Crystals in his ears, chaos in his chart

It started, as all divine disasters do, in Whole Foods. Specifically, in the adaptogen aisle.

I was reaching for ashwagandha. He was reaching for lion’s mane.

Our eyes met over overpriced mushroom powder. Our fingers touched.

He looked at me the way cult leaders look at new recruits: “You look like someone who’s done inner child work,” he whispered, like it was foreplay.

I should’ve walked away. But curiosity (and dehydration) got the better of me.

His name was Zayden.(Yes, spelled with a “Z” — because of course it was.)

Born in Long Island. Rebranded in Bushwick. Now living in SoHo in a “live/work NFT dojo” with three other men and one Siberian Husky named Vitalik.

He told me he recently liquidated a Goblin NFT for $38,000 and bought a Himalayan salt lamp shaped like a dragon.

I told him I wrote things.

He moaned.

Later that day, he slid into my DMs with a photo of his neck tattoo.

“Soulmate,” it read, in gothic calligraphy.

Underneath it, in smaller font: “Est. 2021.”

He said it was ironic. I said I needed context. He said I was the context. 

Then went on to mention that he got it in 2021 after a full moon ceremony in Joshua Tree when he realized "everyone’s a soulmate if you’re not spiritually stingy."

Right.

He invited me on a date.

“Let’s just go for a walk,” he said. “See if our nervous systems harmonize.”

I agreed. Because when a man with a neck tattoo and crypto confidence invites you to walk through Central Park barefoot while talking about Web3 and past lives, you say yes. Because I’m not dating for love anymore — I’m dating for content.

He showed up wearing vintage cargo pants, a linen shirt, and crystals dangling from his ears like AirPods for the spiritually elite.

In his hand: a copper water bottle and a joint he called “vision fuel.”

We started walking. —Correction: He floated. Within ten minutes, he’s barefoot. Says shoes are “colonizer constructs.” He spoke in soundbites.

But also brought a Bluetooth speaker and played a playlist called “Conscious Seduction Vol. 3” — it’s mostly throat singing and light jazz.

I asked him what he did for a living. He said, “I make meaning. The blockchain is just a metaphor for love, you know? I don’t date — I merge timelines. I manifested you right after a cacao ceremony in Tulum.”

By the reservoir, he stopped. Took my hands. Looked into my eyes.

“I think you’re the first woman who’s ever made me feel… non-fungible.”

I gagged. He mistook it for emotion.

Then, he tried to kiss me. His breath smelled like Palo Santo and spirulina.

I declined — politely, but firmly.

He told me that rejection is just redirection.

I told him that was a Pinterest quote.

He told me I was too attached to the 3D.

In Conclusion:

If he has a neck tattoo that says Soulmate, owns zero chairs but three sets of mala beads,and uses “masculine polarity” as a verb... Just know: You are not on a date. You are on a walking TED Talk with a man who invested in Ethereum and emotional avoidance.