Welcome to New York Dating: Where Cocaine, Viagra, and Ego Collide
Ah, New York City — the land where dreams are made of, and apparently, so are pharmaceutical starter packs.
I recently had the profound honor of being invited on a date by a 33-year-old finance bro who, in his free time, enjoys long walks to the bathroom… with women he just met.
We first crossed paths at an exclusive lounge, where he promised me the culinary world: Daniel Boulud, Baccarat, Michelin stars twinkling above our heads.
Naturally, by the time the actual date rolled around, those promises were quietly buried somewhere between his ego and his cocaine baggie, and we found ourselves at The Carlyle. Which, for the record, is a lovely place — if you’re not on a date with a human red flag stitched together by Goldman Sachs and Adderall withdrawals.
I arrived — courtesy of an Uber he generously summoned, because chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just heavily sedated — and there he was: Waiting at a nice table, air already thick with the smell of self-importance.
Within minutes, I learned that he was:
Successful.
Very successful.
Unbelievably successful.
So successful, in fact, that he felt the need to remind me approximately every seven seconds, just in case early-onset amnesia struck mid-appetizer.
The conversation was less a dialogue and more a TED Talk sponsored by his ego.
Every time I tried to share a thought, he looked around the room like a lost pigeon in Times Square.
Multitasking at its finest: ignoring me while texting and pretending to be interested. A true New York talent.
Then came the bathroom episode.
He asked if I needed to use it — because apparently, we’re now syncing our bladders on first dates — and then…
He grabbed my hand and led me to a single-person bathroom.
Romantic?
No.
Psychological thriller?
Absolutely.
I thought he’d be a gentleman and let me go first. Cute, right?
Wrong.
The moment I emerged, he pushed me back inside and locked the door.
“Because nothing says ‘getting to know you’ like unsolicited public urination proximity.”
Before I could even scream internally, he was peeing — with the door locked behind us.
I gracefully turned my back, summoned all the spirits of awkwardness that had ever walked this earth, and told him I was uncomfortable.
He told me to “just relax,”which, as every woman knows, is the number one way to make someone totally not relax.
And if you think that’s where it peaked — oh no…!
Out came the cocaine baggie and a credit card that’s probably been places AmEx never intended.
He did a few polite rails and offered me some, which I declined because I prefer:
my nostrils unsullied
my dignity intact
Then, we waltzed out together — because nothing screams class like doing bathroom drugs on a first date at a five-star hotel.
Back at the table, he was still conducting the Self-Adoration Symphony, occasionally taking breaks to sniff more lines right there in the booth like it was just another Tuesday.
When I expressed mild confusion, he helpfully explained:
“You know what the problem with doing blow and drinking is? You can’t get it up.”
Ah, the sweet, sweet poetry of romance.
But don’t worry!
He reached into his other pocket —Because this man operates on a two-pocket system —and pulled out a giant bag of Viagra like a magician revealing the world’s saddest rabbit.
At this point, he tried touching:
my leg
my arm
my soul
…and failed at all three.
He leaned in to kiss me, but I graciously declined, informing him that not only would I not be kissing him, I would also not be starring in the pharmaceutical disaster film he was clearly directing.
Upon hearing this, he did what any true gentleman would do: He whipped out his phone, ordered me an Uber, and sent me home — back into the glittering night, another ridiculous story richer, and deeply grateful that my standards are higher than his blood pressure after 14 Viagras.
🎬 In Conclusion:
If your first date involves:
synchronized peeing
casual coke offers
emotional absenteeism
and a backup pharmacy plan for anticipated erectile dysfunction...
Congratulations!
You’re officially dating in New York.
Stay tuned for the next episode!
